it is never a good feeling when you see an object and you think of every way you could possibly hurt yourself with it, then once you figure out the best trying to convince yourself to not do it…

ever since I went to the hospital for my blood clot and was put on medication I haven't felt the same. I can't seem to think straight, and I feel as if I'm in the way, causing others pain, getting upset for no reason, and so on… and because of all that I either yell at someone I love for no reason or I cry…

right now I'm crying because I yelled at someone I love… I yelled at my hubby.
why would I do that!?
he's done nothing but helped me out and been there for me, he puts his neck out for me and supports me in everything I do… and all I seem to do lately is cause him problems, yell, and cry…

I feel horrible
I just wanna jump into the middle of the road and let the traffic hit me into a bloody mess but not kill me, I want to suffer for the pain I have given to others…

On top of all that I feel my medication is messing with me, I get so light headed anymore, so sick feeling for no reason, and I keep getting these horrible images in my head of ways to just end it…
I don't want to die, my art is getting better and I want to go places, but then I feel as if a shadow is creeping up on me and trying to swallow me…

Marco, you and I are pretty much one in the same…